


That's Not How it Happened?

by onward_came_the_meteors



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Canon - Book & Movie Combination, Crack Treated Seriously, Fellowship of the Ring, Friendship, Gen, Humor, One Shot, POV Third Person, Ratings: G
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-03 09:30:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21177197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onward_came_the_meteors/pseuds/onward_came_the_meteors
Summary: "It's just that you don't seem to act like you did in Bilbo's book.""And what exactly did I do, in this book?" Legolas asked.Frodo paused.******************In which Bilbo turns out to have a lot in common with Peter Jackson, Gandalf might want to have words with him, and the hobbits are disappointed in the lack of love triangles. And Boromir is just confused.





	That's Not How it Happened?

One does not simply walk into Mordor, but nine could at least walk to the Misty Mountains.

That was the logic behind this whole "Fellowship" idea, and loath as Boromir was to disagreeing with Elrond Halfelven, an Elf-lord of Middle-earth, he couldn't help but wear a few holes in that logic. And as they continued walking, those holes grew wider and wider until he wasn't sure he wanted to keep the garment.

Oh, he hadn't started out doubtful, no matter what certain Rangers of the North might insinuate, and of course he had expected there would be conflict along their journey, and no, they hadn't been attacked, and the weather was holding clear, and the Ring of Power was (thank the Valar) staying silent, but he hadn't… quite… expected this.

This being, well...

"If we were in Mirkwood, I would loose an arrow at you for that!"

"Don't think I would not follow it with a swing of my axe!"

"I doubt your axe could reach more than three feet off the ground, much like its owner." 

"Just as I doubt you could aim that bow from more than three feet away."

"Why do you dwarves wear helmets if you are already so hardheaded—"

Boromir restrained his sigh to a short exhale and continued trudging forward. These arguments had a rhythm. Everything would be peaceful, and then something—a comment one of the others had made, a too-loud step onto a dry stick, the threadings of a song—would cause one of them to make a careless remark, and then the bickering would spark, blazing through the rest of the day before burning out when they stopped to rest (It was an unspoken rule that they all did their part to make resting time the one bearable part of the day). 

It wasn't that Boromir didn't want the elf and dwarf to be in the Fellowship. In fact, it was kind of nice to not be the only total outsider when the hobbits were practically attached and Gandalf and Aragorn clearly had some kind of history that Boromir did not particularly want to find out about. In fact, in some ways, those two had it even worse than he did. Neither Gimli nor Legolas had another of their own species in the Fellowship (everyone else did besides Gandalf, but whether another one of… whatever Gandalf was existed, and where to find one, were questions Boromir wasn't sure had answers).

Besides, whatever the other might say, Boromir definitely appreciated that bow and that axe in a fight.

But as the scholars of Gondor said, good weapons don't make good neighbors.

(That was how the saying went, right? He'd have to ask Faramir once he got back.) 

And so, while Boromir would agree that Gimli and Legolas were valuable to the Fellowship… he really, really, really, wished their arguments wouldn't last so long.

On this particular day, the argument had started just before noon, and Boromir had been determinedly blocking out the noise of elf and dwarf ever since.

Unfortunately, he did not possess infinite patience. 

The argument began to waver back into his hearing instead of remaining background noise. 

“Just like a dwarf to say that and forget the reason the feud started in the first place!” 

“Just like a dwarf? I should say that it is just like an elf! Coming up with whatever reason suits them rather than the truth! That is like when my father and the rest of Thorin's company—" 

Ilúvatar, what was it with those two and Thorin's company? What even was Thorin's company? 

"—were imprisoned in Mirkwood, for the same reasons of elven ridiculousness!”

“Why do you keep bringing that up? I wasn't even there, there is no reason to blame me for that!”

At that, Pippin, who was walking in front of Boromir, suddenly stopped. Boromir stumbled but narrowly avoided knocking into him.

Pippin was either unaware or undeterred by his almost-collision, however, and whispered something to the other hobbits.

After a series of confused looks, Frodo spoke up.

“But weren't you?” The sound of a voice other than Legolas's or Gimli's sounded strange in the air. 

Boromir looked around as the group started walking again, albeit more slowly than before. The attention of the whole Fellowship had been caught. 

Legolas paused in his glare-off with Gimli. “What?”

Frodo repeated his question as if it were obvious. “Weren't you there, when Thorin and the Company were imprisoned?”

Boromir thought that maybe he should revise his original plan of not asking about this Thorin's company. Whatever that was, it must have been interesting if everyone in the Fellowship had some involvement with it. 

“No,” Legolas said. “What gave you that idea?”

“Bilbo’s book.” Frodo answered.

Bilbo? The old hobbit at Elrond's council? Wait… oh yes, he was Frodo's uncle. 

“You were in there a lot, which seems odd now, since you don't seem to act like you did in Bilbo’s story.” Frodo looked at Sam, Pippin, and Merry, who nodded as though to confirm it.

“What exactly did I do, in this book?” Legolas asked.

“Well,” Frodo started, and Boromir got the feeling they were in for a long one. “You and another elf, Tauriel, attack some giant spiders that are attacking Thorin's company, but then you take the dwarves prisoner and bring them to Thranduil's halls. Then there's a strange love story between Tauriel and Kili, and I think you were involved in that as well, and you and Tauriel leave Mirkwood together and fight lots of orcs and things. Then there's the Battle of Five Armies, and Kili dies, and Tauriel starts crying about that, and has an argument with Thranduil, and then I think you and Tauriel both desert.”

Legolas stared at Frodo in silence for a few moments before speaking. “Leitho nin, Elbereth," he muttered to himself.

Did this elf really think he was the only one in the Fellowship who spoke Sindarin? 

Apparently having collected his thoughts enough, Legolas continued in Westron. "Where did Bilbo get an idea like that? I don't know anyone named Tauriel, and I clearly never deserted Mirkwood. I caught a glimpse of the dwarves as they were being led through my father's halls, but that was it. I don't think Bilbo’s story was that accurate.”

“Huh.” Frodo thought for a minute. “So you never ran up a falling bridge?”

“No, I don't think that's physically possible.”

“No angsty love triangle?” 

“Definitely not.”

“No freaking out over a nosebleed?”

“Who does that?”

“Darn, I always found those parts of Bilbo's story to be interesting. What else isn't true in it?” Frodo asked. He turned to Aragorn. The ranger was walking slightly behind Gandalf, having managed to stay out of everything until now. “Wait...how old were you during the Battle of Five Armies?”

Aragorn didn't even try to pretend like he hadn't been listening. “When was that, 2941? 2942? I believe I was about ten." A pause. “Why?”

“So you wouldn't have been with the Dúnedain then?” Frodo answered himself. “Of course not. I thought that seemed strange.”

“I am very curious, though, as to what else Bilbo put in there.” Gandalf spoke up. “Seeing as I was there, I can verify it for you”

“All right.” Frodo said. “So, was there a part where you were being hunted by Azog and the orcs?”

“Most definitely not. Azog died years before the quest even started. I am beginning to wonder about your uncle, Frodo.” Gandalf said.

"Join the club," Pippin suggested. "Half the Shire's already in it." 

"What about you?" Gimli asked, looking genuinely interested. 

Pippin puffed out his chest. "I had many theories." Merry swatted his sleeve and joined in the conversation. 

“Didn't the dwarves make a giant golden dwarf that melted all over Smaug?”

“That never happened either.” Gandalf replied.

“What about Radagast?” Pippin asked. The rest of the hobbits gave up in restraining themselves and blurted forth questions randomly.

“Didn't Galadriel and Saruman show up at Rivendell?”

“And what about Kili’s poisoned wound?”

“And his nut pillow! I always thought that was hilarious.”

“And what about that one whiny Laketown man dressing up as a woman to avoid fighting?”

“And the were-worms!”

“And the—"

Gandalf interrupted the hobbits’ steady flow of questions at last. Boromir was sad about that because watching Gandalf's eyebrows bristle higher and higher with each question was much more entertaining than anything he'd expected from the old wizard. “No, none of those things ever happened. I'm not sure what Bilbo was thinking, but he seems to have let his imagination get away from him.”

The hobbits looked disappointed. Boromir wasn't sure why, half of what they'd just said sounded horrendous. 

“Well then,” Frodo said decisively. “When we write our story down— ”

"We're writing our story down?" 

"Of course, Pip, I promised Bilbo." 

"Carry on, then." 

"Anyway, when we write our story down, we'll make sure to get it right. Agreed?" 

To his own surprise, Boromir found himself muttering "agreed" along with the rest of them.

He didn't have any plans on recording any of this. Making such plans seemed overly optimistic given the circumstances… who would read such a manuscript once Sauron destroyed the Free Peoples of Middle-earth? 

But there wasn't any harm in agreeing now, and besides…

At least the arguing had stopped.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
